Archive for the ‘Husband’ Category

Open eyes are not always enough – gotta open ’em ‘wider’

July 29, 2014

Antonio de Mairena

from Juan de Mairena

 

To see things as they are, the eyes must be opened; to see things as other than they are, they must be even wider; to see things as better than they are, they must be open to the full. 

 

At a recent family meeting my wife came up with the idea of each of us thinking of three positive things that happened that day or the previous day.  We started this morning when I sent an email with my three things to her, and my son (16) and daughter (18).  So far, my wife has replied with her three.

It felt weird, but it felt good. I had to open my eyes wider.

We are trying to get out of a rut.

Denying the existence of denial

February 23, 2014

Someone you are dealing with might be in pain. They may feel it. You may see that pain very clearly. But amazingly, they may not see it even though they are the ones going through it. This is often referred to as ‘denial’ by amateur and professional psychotherapists alike. Not seeing their problem and pain makes it hard for many of us to take constructive action. So what is the difference between experiencing pain and seeing it?

Maybe this analogy will help. A baby feels uncomfortable with a messy diaper. This does not stop them from messing in their diaper. They don’t even fuss right away about the discomfort often and let their parent know. But even a week or two after they are toilet trained, they see much more clearly the discomfort/pain of having a messy diaper. How does this change happen?

Take a look at how parents toilet train their kids. We turn toilet training into an instructive game. We sit them down on the toilet. Sometimes something happens, and when it does, we are very happy. They see it, and they are happy. They see us becoming more and more unhappy when they don’t use the toilet since we now know that they can go on their own. But they don’t see the problem with going in thier diaper quite yet. After awhile, going on the toilet becomes a habit. It feels weird not to do it on the toilet after awhile. Eventually, they become toilet trained. Then one day when they have an accident, they see how CRAZY it is to mess in your pants. We have to make a lot of effort to help them get to this point.

If you have someone who is headed for pain, or is even in pain, and you want them to just see what you see and be logical and fix it, then you are about as silly looking as a parent who wants their toddler to spontaneously toilet train.

Invite them to sit on whatever proverbial toilet is in play and see what happens. Make it part of a regular pattern. Have fun with it and them. If they refuse, don’t be angry. They are just being a baby. Just let them know they may have to find someone else to change their proverbial diaper if the won’t play the game with you.

If you ‘can’t’ stop rescuing them from their problem and pain, and you are unhappy with it, then complain. Maybe someone will listen and know how to help you.

Not all kids are easy to toilet train, for sure, but you at least want to make sure the problem is not you.

How not to get caught in the middle

February 21, 2014

Often in families and other situations, individuals having a conflict want you to take a side. Frequently they both want you to do this. The way to deal with this is to tell either of them if they approach you that you will help them with their problem, but they are going to have to be willing to spend time with you to prepare for the next interaction with the other person. If they start to do this with you and they can’t agree with what you want to help them accomplish, which should always include demonstration of respect and truthfulness, then you let them know you can’t help.
You would be telling the truth, and you should only side with the truth in a conflict anyways.

Foolproof Family Initiative – App promotional offer

October 29, 2013

“You will never know what you have done for the family. The system changed our lives.” Bob I Am Personally 

Going To Coach 20 families!

Founder and CEO at Negotiator-Pro, #1 Negotiation Training and Execution Platform

Ever since I wrote “Start With No” I have received thank you notes and calls from parents who have given the book to their children in high school and college.. I have been pleased the young have attained so much success with the system. But, I just didn’t see the unexpected success. Drucker taught in his book “Innovation and Entrepreneurship” to pay attention to the unexpected success but I didn’t and then Friday night the light came on.

I went to a gathering of friends high school 50 years ago. One of my greatest friends came up to me, and said he had to talk to me alone. He said, “you gave me a copy of your book “Start With No” ten years ago and I read it and was dazzled. But now I can’t thank you enough. You saved my daughters family. About a year ago she called in tears. Her husband was threatening divorce, the kids where failing in school, her life was coming apart. I listened and my heart was aching. The more she talked the more pain I felt. I struggled and the only thought I had that I could come up with to help her, I swear Jimmy this is the truth, was to tell her to read your book. I made her promise to read it and to call me back after she did. Well she read your book. She gave a copy to her husband and to my grandson and granddaughter in high school. Now they sit down and build plans based on what you teach in the book. She called me to tell me that their family life has completely turned around. They have a whole new lease on life and they know where the family is going because of your book.“ 

I was humbled to say the least. Then as I was driving home last night, bingo it hit me. I overlooked all my IP. You see I built within Negotiator-Pro a library. I call it the deep dive library. Over the last 28 years I have written, recorded and worked to provide the materials that will help you master our system. I want every Negotiator-Pro user to have free access to those materials. Everything in there is downloadable. Every recording I have ever made is in there discussing every rule, principle, and aspect of our system. Each recording is broken down into bites, 15 to 35 minutes. Plain talk, easy to listen to, and more important easily applied. Also in the library is every written work I have done. Both books are there, as well as every mastery lesson with exercises and out side reading lists to provide even more support. There are more than 2000 pages of my work in PDF download format. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. You can download all of it for free and give it to your loved ones.

I want you to enroll in Negotiator-Pro. I want you to send me an email personally and tell me you want to take me up on this effort for the ones you love. 

OK Camp, how much will this cost me? Well, how about we make the price be the same as one large cappuccino coffee at your favorite coffee shop per day for the whole family? I want to say that again. One large cappuccino per day pays the whole bill for the entire family. Cash flow by the month important, you can empower the entire family for $98 a month on a credit card or you can save $200 and pay $950 for a one year license. To enroll, just reach out to me and drop me an email. jcamp@negotiator-pro.com.

Also, for the first 20 families that enroll “I will personally coach you and the family free for a month” in how to use the materials to build a great thought process and mindset. If this is for you and your family just let me know at jcamp@negotiatior-pro.com or call me on my private line 614 764 0213 and I will get you going.

All the best

Jim Camp

Disagreement in families is normal, but disagreement about respect and how to disagree respectfully is threatens safety and stability in family life. (Amended)

October 8, 2013

                What to understand and do to achieve and sustain respect in your family

 

Disagreement in families is normal and even healthy sometimes, but disagreement about respect and how to disagree respectfully is a direct threat to safety and stability in family life.

There are basically two paths that families go down when it comes to respect.

Path 1 -Respect: teach and build it through example – consistent demonstration of respect; discipline – consequences/protocol for episodes of disrespect; discussion – what is respect?

Path 2 – Respect:  demand it and only give it if you think you’ve gotten it; freely demonstrate disrespect if you don’t get it; assume everyone shares understanding of it

On path 1 – the following descriptions and prescriptions are appropriate:

When more developed(physically, mentally, and/or financially) family members disrespect less developed family members, that is abuse and/or neglect to the less developed, and disruption to more or equally developed witnesses.

Abuse/neglect can be mild and infrequent, so it is not necessarily an emergency.

When less developed family members disrespect more developed family members,that is disruption to the more developed, abuse/neglect to less developed witnesses.

Disruption can be very harmful, so it is not necessarily something to be taken lightly because it comes from a less developed member.

When a family member disrespects a family member of equal development, it is abusive/neglectful to all witnesses less powerful than they are, and disruptive to all the witnesses who are more developed.

It is the duty of more developed family members to stop abuse/neglect of less developed ones, and reduce disruption to the more developed ones. In other words, preserve safety and stability.

It is the duty of the less developed family members to learn how to be respectful so they can develop in appropriate ways.

When a more developed family member persists in being abusive/neglectful, other family members have the right to call a meeting and/or seek outside help.

When a less developed family member persists in being disruptive, other family members have the duty to call a meeting and/or seek outside help.

 

*Path 2 becomes the norm in families where path 1 protocol is not adhered to or simply fails.

Teaching our children and ourselves to know what we really want in family negotiations

December 7, 2012

If you think about it, every time that you speak, you are engaged in a human performance event. You have some sort of intention for your words when they leave your mouth, and you want the impact of your words to line up with your intention as much as possible. As a couple’s counselor, many arguments come down to each party vehemently defending their intentions as positive. I take this as a good sign because the alternative is for one or both parties to have negative intentions. When appropriate, I validate their good intentions, and I then ask if their actions had the intended impact. Often they didn’t. Once that is acknowledged we can get to solving the real problem by choosing actions that are more likely to have the intended effect.

The same principle also applies to disputes between parents and children. My 6 year old has been having tantrums lately. It only happens in our home. Her behavior is stellar in all other environments. At home, sometimes she gets very mad and can’t calm down. When this happens my intention is to take actions that calm her down. I try to say things calm her down. It doesn’t work. Nothing satisfies her. She gets angrier. Recently my wife and I have discussed this problem and we decided to just send her to her room. We don’t say anything about when she is coming out. We don’t talk.  She demands to be let out. She whines. She tries to strike a deal. We simply gesture for her to return to her room. Initially, we can hear the need in her voice and observe it in her behavior. Camp defines need as a self-induced and most often false conceptual position of survival; a dangerous emotional position showing great fear and weakness. Rather than respond to her needy communications, we have decided to wait until she starts to know what she wants. According to Camp, want is a self-induced emotional position with no hints of fear of survival; a strong and most critical position for an effective person to be in. Our parental mission is to teach her how to be an effective person.

This morning, I sent her to her room and waited for her to move from need to want. She tried several times to convince me to let her out, but I only let her out when she said these words in a low voice at a slow pace, “ Daddy, I want to come out of my room now.” I didn’t coach her to say want. I didn’t tell her it was the ‘magic word’. I must admit it can feel like magic when you develop the patience to want rather than need. My wife and I discovered that wanting her to calm down, and not needing her to calm down, was really the key to our starting to have success in effectively influencing her. It allowed us to follow a rule of the Camp system – no talking. Not meant to be taken literally, of course, but as much as possible, do not talk and instead listen, observe and learn about your adversary. When you better understand them, you have a better chance that your impact on them will line up with your intentions.

It’s a show , Wim

April 17, 2012

I hear this from my wife every time I ask a question during a TV show. This exchange has taken place hundreds of times. .

Thank God she does this. I certainly am at risk for completely losing touch with reality and becoming even more useless to her than I am when I ask stupid questions.

The performance delusion – reflections on boo

April 16, 2012

How are you performing?  You would naturally want to know what the venue is before answering . Am I talking about ballet or a concert, or some sport. or an academic test? We don’t use the word performance unless an activity has a certain status..  But we are often guilty of being the most horrible of spectators to ordinary human actions.

Take me for example. This morning my 5 yo Josie had something she was playing with, and my 4 yo Clara Rose wanted to play with it too. She started angling for it. Josie wasn’t ready to give it up, and she smacked Clara Rose who started to cry. I got upset.  I sent Josie to her room for hitting, and I interrogated Clara Rose to make sure she knew that I knew that her performance wasn’t good either – she had been impatient and grabby. I was harsh to both of them.

So what am I doing? These two girls encounter a problem related to sharing and negotiating, and they have a hard time, and I freak out.        BOOOOOO! BAD JOB!

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Monsters+Inc+Boo+Pictures&id=B32188B7389EB08FADEFEB602548958169E408B8&FORM=IQFRBA

And later on, I began to harp on my performance as a Dad. I suck. BOOOOOOO!

It seems so silly to write about it, but I do it and others do it all the time. Examples:  

You didn’t clean the garage. BOOOOOOOO!

You criticized me about not cleaning the garage. BOOOOOOO!

You used a tone of voice I find displeasing.  BOOOOO!

Maybe if I boo my loved ones like I would Manny Ramirez when he was dogging it in Boston, they would perform better. Maybe not idiot! BOOOOOOO!

BOOO!

People booo each other all the time without literally saying boo.  

I can’t  imagine myself saying to a displeased spouse or child of mine:  Are you booing me? ,  but that is what they are doing, booing,  and that is what I frequently do to them. 

BOO! 

Hard to stop  – I am a compulsive booo- er.

Ease up boo-er

( I expanded here on an idea I read in a book by Carl Semmelroth called The Anger Habit Workbook)

www.theangerhabit.com

It is hardest to be calm and effective with the ones you love

March 28, 2012

I am referring to how difficult it can be to get along with family, to work out problems and not have it turn into a freak show.  Odd since we are so highly motivated usually to help each other be happy. Motivation is not enough.

I think the problem is that with family we run with a lot of assumptions . We assume we know people and what they think and what they will do.  As a result, we get in trouble. Those assumptions make us careless.

With strangers, we are less liklely to make assumptions. We are more careful and more observant.

So maybe treating everyone like a stranger, especially the ones you love, is the beginning of a remedy.

Fewer aaumptions that way.

Some thoughts on money management

March 10, 2012

I use a product called MONEYCALENDAR to manage my money. You can check it out at www.mwatch.net . Anyways, Tony Coia, the proprietor over at Moneywatch who sells these things, suggested I use cash for weekly expenditures that tend to vary and are a bit of a pain to keep track of. With the Moneycalendar, you need to reconcile once a week in order for it to work for you. He is referring to expenditures such as groceries, eating out, entertainment, gasoline, and corner store expenditures. At first I balked, but I decided to try it.  It worked very well and makes weekly reconciliation much easier. I withdraw a set amount once  a week to cover the weekly expenses I just listed. If I don’t spend it all, so what, I got some extra. If I don’t have enough, I find out quickly, and I am prompted  to adjust quickly. Bad habits don’t get out of hand and I am less likely to delude myself.

One of the downsides of using cash is that you miss out on the cash back deals that credit cards have. I use to cards that put 1-2% into 529 collegeboundfunds for my kids. I have put away several thousand dollars for them. I have also made the occasional mistake of sending my payment late and lost money from these cards. But I discovered that I can get my 1-2% back the old-fashioned way – through change. As long as I put away my change, including a few dollars every time I spend $100, I can still save money in this way.

I hope readers of this post will give Tony a call over at Moneywatch – 401-941-2020.  He will spend 1 to 1 1/2 hours with you on the phone while you watch him using Webex, a remote internet system, keying in your data. Most people buy it once they see how it works and how it will more than pay for itself with in the added proficiency it allows you to have as you make money decisions. But you are not obligated at al. He says it improves things for about 90% of people who try it

I asked my wife to try it with me. She declined but recently agreed to give it a shot. We do our money seperate and reconcile once a month. It works but I think she will find that this will be better for us. We will both be on the same page, literally. If she doesn’t like it, she knows I will have no problem with her doing it the old way.

I hope Reena shares her impressions in the comment section.

Tony said that the program is totally logical. As humans, we are not logical. We make decisons by connecting dots, but the problem is that we can only keep a few dots in our head at one time. Finances are too complicated to rely on just a few dots at a time, but the Moneycalendar connects them all.

As a therapist, many people who present to me have money issues. Couples argue over the dots, and which ones to connect. I have referred a lot of people to Tony for help with these issues, and he has helped any who took the time to contact him. He has worked a lot with Butler Hospital too.


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